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Thursday, 31 December 2015
i want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine? Jesus: ON Girl: What? Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in KL.
Monday, 28 December 2015
[first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
I wrote 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' on a balloon. However, before I could propose... -I popped the question
Sunday, 27 December 2015
[ouija board] me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E me: ....please stop
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it's over.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
U never truly appreciate how nice it is to be able to breathe through your nose until u get a cold
The lighting god Thor is actually chinese. Don't u wonder why it is always hot as we approaches Chinese New Year. He needs his holiday as well.
Friday, 25 December 2015
I lost a fight with my wife today and I wasn't even there.
I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.
Thursday, 24 December 2015
All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer
Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you'd been good this year!
Wednesday, 23 December 2015
The awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then you end up walking the same way..
Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I play golf. Just in case I get a hole in one.
[at funeral] Me: "I'm sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice" Widow: "please no.... Me: "you have my gondolances"
Monday, 21 December 2015
That awkward moment when someone says "stop", and you don't know whether to respond with "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."
[reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D. (Of Ms Universe fame)
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic
One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show santa exactly what I want for Christmas.
Guy: Do you like math? Girl: No. Guy: Me neither...In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Thursday, 17 December 2015
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Martin Shkreli (the guy who increases AIDS drug to 5000%) has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
Wednesday, 16 December 2015
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