Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
by Eddie Soh
October 01, 2015 at 01:09PM
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Wednesday, 30 September 2015
PRO TIP: Name your first child "butter", then accidentally take a different baby home just so you can say "I can't believe it's not butter!”
Monday, 28 September 2015
Ha - mildly amusing Haha - funny Hahaha - sarcastic laugh Hahahaha - stayin' alive
Cop: You know why I pulled you over? Me: Seriously? You forgot already??
Sunday, 27 September 2015
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me? ME: What's the Wi-Fi password? I: About the job M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Friday, 25 September 2015
[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!
Thursday, 24 September 2015
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
The Rock is going to have a kid, which they'll name Pebbles.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Monday, 21 September 2015
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.
Sunday, 20 September 2015
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
[anniversary dinner] HER: tell me something that will make my heart race ME: my credit card got declined
Saturday, 19 September 2015
Met a potential customer just now. He is a Malay who gently reminds me that the red army doesn't represent the Malays at all. Hearing from him, I realised how paranoid the Malaysian Chinese are...
Friday, 18 September 2015
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Thursday, 17 September 2015
Being a Zombie doesn't sound that bad. You don't have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?
The China Chinese people are some of the healthiest people in the world. Most opt to walk the stairs than taking the escalator.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables.
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
Do you ever pretend to not see something so the other person doesn't feel embarrassed...
Red army wreaking havoc in KL? Who cares... Meanwhile in Paradigm mall, I'm watching Maze Runner movie with the Malays and Indians. Happy Malaysia Day, indeed. The national anthem played b4 the movie starts is more significant than ever.
Red army wreaking havoc in KL? Who cares... Meanwhile in Paradigm mall, I'm watching Maze Runner movie with the Malays and Indians. Happy Malaysia Day, indeed. The national anthem played b4 the movie starts is more significant than ever.
by Eddie Soh
September 16, 2015 at 06:30PM
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by Eddie Soh
September 16, 2015 at 06:30PM
from Facebook
via IFTTTfrom Facebook
via IFTTT
Monday, 14 September 2015
Anytime the school announce closure... the weather always change. Think it's the kids doing the burnings.
Can't find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
The heaviest things in the world: 4) iron 3) lead 2) tungsten 1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Sunday, 13 September 2015
"If you are fat you will die," said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
Friday, 11 September 2015
There are many irrelevant departments in Malaysia like the Brain Drain Department. Meanwhile, Spore reported a surge in population.
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