Monday, 30 November 2015
The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
My wife is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Saturday, 28 November 2015
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
Friday, 27 November 2015
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Thursday, 26 November 2015
Translated from Malay language joke: 80% of obesity causes among female population is attributed to consuming too much sweet talk from the male population.
Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.
Monday, 23 November 2015
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Sunday, 22 November 2015
If you care about someone, even a little bit. I beg of you. Please. TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
She died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Friday, 20 November 2015
DIET stands for Did I Eat That.
Life isn't about the moments that take our breath away. That's asthma. You're thinking of asthma.
Thursday, 19 November 2015
Sexy has 4 letters and so does meee
Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap in your resumé? Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar
[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Wednesday, 18 November 2015
I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
Tuesday, 17 November 2015
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