In hell, all your deleted selfies are in the cinema set to a 24 hour rotation.
by Eddie Soh
January 26, 2016 at 09:35AM
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Monday, 25 January 2016
Saturday, 23 January 2016
I found JESUS ! Have u ?
Thursday, 21 January 2016
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[boss's office] BOSS: Do you like my fire place? ME: Actually, it's one word: "fireplace" BOSS: You're fired ME: Oh, I get it now
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Neighbour: if your son doesn't stop playing drums right now I'll lose my mind!! Me: too late...he's stopped half an hour ago
Student: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do? " Teacher: "No." Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Tuesday, 19 January 2016
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it's tomorrow, in America it's yesterday and in North Korea it's 1980.
Sunday, 17 January 2016
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: There isn't. I'm married.
Thursday, 14 January 2016
I love the sound you make when you shut up
[stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I've never laughed so hard...
Monday, 11 January 2016
"Are you cold?" *People who are cold*
"You can hide but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Thursday, 7 January 2016
God: I made something new. It's like a tornado, but smaller. Angel: What do you call it? God: A toddler.
We'd probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
It's funny how all trust goes away when u r looking for TV remote. "Are you sitting on the remote?" -" No" "Stand up"
Tuesday, 5 January 2016
Are you Nemo? Because you should get lost.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit. His future in Politics is secure.
Monday, 4 January 2016
[job interview] Interviewer: "Describe yourself in 2 words." Me: "Atinubs. Econsibu." Interviewer: "You're hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA."
Sunday, 3 January 2016
Smart phone. Dumb battery.
Me: Was this product tested on animals? Clerk: Yes. Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!! Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.
Saturday, 2 January 2016
I told God I wanted an understanding wife by this Chinese New Year He canceled CNY.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Friday, 1 January 2016
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...
Wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Star Wars 7.... Terrible with a capital T. (Everything is overly familiar)
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