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Friday 31 July 2015
"Why are the good ones always taken?" - Me, staring at the assorted cookie tray
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Thursday 30 July 2015
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet? Human: we are an advanced species A: how do you travel? H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Wednesday 29 July 2015
'I HATE drama!' -Dramatic people
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Tuesday 28 July 2015
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they're playing minecraft.
"What would be your main strength?" Well, I can communicate with animals... "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?" They can't understand me.
Monday 27 July 2015
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I'm not sure. Over.
When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network "HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!"
Sunday 26 July 2015
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that's when I realised I was drunk.
Son : “Dad, who did I get my intelligence from ?" Dad : “It must be from your mother. I still have mine”
Saturday 25 July 2015
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Friday 24 July 2015
$100 a yr can feed a child in Africa which makes me think we're being overcharged for groceries.
No one ever questions how three little pigs were able to build houses in the first place.
Thursday 23 July 2015
Daddy, where do bananas come from? Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other...
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck
Wednesday 22 July 2015
Sorry, I can’t go to your party next month I have a headache.
If u like water u already like 72% of me
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
how many calories do I burn when I run away from my problems
Tuesday 21 July 2015
Monday 20 July 2015
There's "hell" in hello, "good" in goodbye, "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "ex" in "next", & "if" in life.
Sunday 19 July 2015
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.
Saturday 18 July 2015
When times are tough: LEGOs is a good substitute for a burglar alarm
talk to my left hand because you ain't right
Best use of movie for dental ad... He doesn't look that bad with better teeth
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I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
Thursday 16 July 2015
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i'm just wondering if you're going to eat all those nachos?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it's from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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