[Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]
by Eddie Soh
March 01, 2016 at 03:39PM
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Monday 29 February 2016
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Sunday 28 February 2016
Kid: Mommy's last name must be "Honey" cuz that's what daddy calls her Teacher: That's SWEET. What's her first name? Kid: "Sorry," I think
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Saturday 27 February 2016
I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
Friday 26 February 2016
Yoda: Clouded, your future is. Anakin: Are you smoking pot again? Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Mommy, what are these? "Put them back they are sleeping pills!" Oh, then you shouldn't yell "Why?" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP
Thursday 25 February 2016
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Wednesday 24 February 2016
It's like "society" expects you to wear "different clothes" every day.
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
Monday 22 February 2016
What's that? "It's my pet rock." Why does it look sad? DWAYNE JOHNSON: I'm hungry.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It's called the moon.
Sunday 21 February 2016
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
Thursday 18 February 2016
One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Wednesday 17 February 2016
"I can't feel my legs" --mermaids
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Tuesday 16 February 2016
My fav verse in the BIBLE
"I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.
Monday 15 February 2016
Stupid cats stealing all our women
*finally finds comfiest position in bed* bladder: so you're not going to believe this
Sunday 14 February 2016
Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.
Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.
Saturday 13 February 2016
Fact - If you add "ish" to your time, like 9:00ish, you're never late for anything
Happy VALENTINE'S day my love. (When u r out of budget n facebook idea came to rescue)
Happy VALENTINE'S day my love. (When u r out of budget n facebook idea came to rescue)
via Facebook https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153946513439169&set=a.10151094817159169.453325.636259168&type=3
Friday 12 February 2016
First date with a hummingbird: You're moving too fast.
'Pampers' is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Wednesday 10 February 2016
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that Dim Sum place
Now i remember why i don't watch tv. A particular politician decided to spend my money to wish me a PROSPEROUS cny.
[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go.
Monday 8 February 2016
...: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy? 5y: mummy ...: why? 5y: mummy talks more
Real women don't chase men. They set traps.
Clowns used to be funny. Gotta find the Malaysian artist that DESTROYS it's honorable reputation.
I'm in a constant battle between wanting a hot body and wanting a hot nasi lemak.
Luke, I am your uncle. Luke, I am your third cousin. Luke, I am your grandmother. - Skywalker CNY family reunion
The LOST receipe of teh heyo kueh. Only available during CNY.
Saturday 6 February 2016
Did you fall from heaven because so did Satan
If school has taught me anything it's how to get ready in 5 minutes
Friday 5 February 2016
If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they're animals.
Wednesday 3 February 2016
Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave.
Life's most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name - it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
Monday 1 February 2016
Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space
[rubs magic lamp] GENIE: You get 3 wishes "Anything?" GENIE: No wishin for more wishes "I wish for more genies" GENIE: I don't like you
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