[Interview] "Describe yourself in one word." Me: Lethargic.
by Eddie Soh
May 17, 2016 at 10:56AM
from Facebook
via IFTTTfrom Facebook
via IFTTT
Monday 16 May 2016
Friday 13 May 2016
Ok, I'll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.
Tuesday 10 May 2016
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do
Monday 9 May 2016
Some dude told me he's had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
Burger King's slogan "Have It Your Way" was shortened from "Are You Sure You Wanna Eat This? Ok. Have It Your Way".
Thursday 5 May 2016
UBER: Sounds better than "Let's get in this strange man's car!"
"Oh hello, I didn't see you there!" - Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Wednesday 4 May 2016
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn't shy and introverted Alcohol: I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Tuesday 3 May 2016
Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I'm over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.
Top Five Accountant Taboos: 5. Unreconciled difference 4. Doesn't foot & crossfoot 3. No journal entry support 2. Cooking the books 1. Sex
Monday 2 May 2016
Thursday 28 April 2016
Wednesday 27 April 2016
[Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo - Cole's Law
Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
"What's your favourite Pixar film?" "Up, yours?" "No need to be like that I was only asking"
Monday 25 April 2016
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
Sunday 24 April 2016
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive. Well, boo hoo. My dad was actively aggressive. Just ask my hand.
A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."
Saturday 23 April 2016
Friday 22 April 2016
One way to find out if you're OLD is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next shit could spell disaster!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
Thursday 21 April 2016
Don't have to be rich To be my girl Don't have to be cool To rule my world Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your Kiss Prince - Kiss Lyrics RIP sir
Wednesday 20 April 2016
Just threw a donut inside Fitness First and started a riot.
[parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."
Monday 18 April 2016
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow you used to be hot Wife: death glare Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
Sunday 17 April 2016
"If you love something, set it free..." Unless it's a man... Cause he'll get lost... And you know he won't ask for directions...
WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
Thursday 14 April 2016
Kylo Ren: I can't read your mind! How are you resisting me?! Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
SPELLING BEE "Defiant" Can I have the definition, please? "No"
Wednesday 13 April 2016
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
Tuesday 12 April 2016
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sunday 10 April 2016
How to lose weight: 1. Name your kid Weight 2. Take it to the mall
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
Friday 8 April 2016
Winning a fight with your wife is like winning a vacation to Pulau Ketam. Don't get too excited
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and update FB at the same time.
Thursday 7 April 2016
Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"
Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.
Tuesday 5 April 2016
Are you excited sir? - Yes! I'm gonna feed whales & pet dolphins! - Sir, this flight is going to Finland - That's like Seaworld, right?
I'm a pretty confident man until I walk out of the shopping centre & try to find where I parked.
Monday 4 April 2016
"Thanks, you've been a wonderful host!" - Viruses
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
1 night I gaze at the night sky 2 discover galaxy too far for visiting 3 the Trinity that created everything 4-getting how insignificant our problem is 5-ting and warring for silly ideologies 6-kening it is to the bone 7-ty six is the average human lifespan 8-lienating our basic human rights 9-tingale found the secret to happier living 1 night I gaze at the night sky...
1 night I gaze at the night sky 2 discover galaxy too far for visiting 3 the Trinity that created everything 4-getting how insignificant our problem is 5-ting and warring for silly ideologies 6-kening it is to the bone 7-ty six is the average human lifespan 8-lienating our basic human rights 9-tingale found the secret to happier living 1 night I gaze at the night sky...
by Eddie Soh
April 05, 2016 at 12:06PM
from Facebook
via IFTTTfrom Facebook
via IFTTT
by Eddie Soh
April 05, 2016 at 12:06PM
from Facebook
via IFTTTfrom Facebook
via IFTTT
Sunday 3 April 2016
Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Saturday 2 April 2016
alarm (noun) -a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
Ok doc, give it to me straight. "It's cancer" How bad? "Really bad, you have 2 months." OMG "APRIL FOOLS!" Whew- "You have 2 days."
The most unspoiled beach in the world is probably in Sabah. Especially those facing Philipines.
Friday 1 April 2016
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"
Wednesday 30 March 2016
Monday 28 March 2016
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?
Sunday 27 March 2016
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can i call him Napkin?
Thursday 24 March 2016
Wednesday 23 March 2016
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If love at first sight was really a thing, I would've been married to Cheetara from Thundercats
Tuesday 22 March 2016
I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.
Monday 21 March 2016
[Job Interview] "It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?" "36" "That's not even close" "But it was quick"
I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.
Sunday 20 March 2016
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Thursday 17 March 2016
Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Tuesday 15 March 2016
Who called it "falling in love" and not "assisted suicide"?
[Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Monday 14 March 2016
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
Sunday 13 March 2016
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now? Captain America: Um sure. Spiderman: What should I do? Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
"I found my charger!!" - a love story
Friday 11 March 2016
Thursday 10 March 2016
[first day as a midwife] ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head! NURSE: You're at the wrong end.
Dentist: "When was the last time you flossed?" Me: "BRO, you were there."
Wednesday 9 March 2016
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.
Whoever thought up the spelling of the word "queue" is stueuepid.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
"we should have a drink sometime" *never contacts them again*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha
Monday 7 March 2016
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I've lost so many friends to babies.
Sunday 6 March 2016
When someone in their 20's talks about "old people" they're talking about us.
[creation] GOD: You all have a divine purpose HORSE: I will plow man's field COW: I will give man milk GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo
Friday 4 March 2016
If you get butterflies in your stomach You should probably stop eating insects
I'm skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack... waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Wednesday 2 March 2016
ME: I’ve been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Monday 29 February 2016
[Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Sunday 28 February 2016
Kid: Mommy's last name must be "Honey" cuz that's what daddy calls her Teacher: That's SWEET. What's her first name? Kid: "Sorry," I think
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Saturday 27 February 2016
I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
Friday 26 February 2016
Yoda: Clouded, your future is. Anakin: Are you smoking pot again? Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Mommy, what are these? "Put them back they are sleeping pills!" Oh, then you shouldn't yell "Why?" [whispering] YOU'LL WAKE THEM UP
Thursday 25 February 2016
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Wednesday 24 February 2016
It's like "society" expects you to wear "different clothes" every day.
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
Monday 22 February 2016
What's that? "It's my pet rock." Why does it look sad? DWAYNE JOHNSON: I'm hungry.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It's called the moon.
Sunday 21 February 2016
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Define Marriage: It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
Thursday 18 February 2016
One advantage of being a woman is no one can surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you're the mom.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Wednesday 17 February 2016
"I can't feel my legs" --mermaids
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Tuesday 16 February 2016
My fav verse in the BIBLE
"I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.
Monday 15 February 2016
Stupid cats stealing all our women
*finally finds comfiest position in bed* bladder: so you're not going to believe this
Sunday 14 February 2016
Most household injuries are caused by saying “whatever” during an argument.
Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.
Saturday 13 February 2016
Fact - If you add "ish" to your time, like 9:00ish, you're never late for anything
Happy VALENTINE'S day my love. (When u r out of budget n facebook idea came to rescue)
Happy VALENTINE'S day my love. (When u r out of budget n facebook idea came to rescue)
via Facebook https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153946513439169&set=a.10151094817159169.453325.636259168&type=3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)