via Facebook http://ift.tt/1WZbtMe
Wednesday 30 March 2016
Monday 28 March 2016
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle. Wife: How?! M: Just help me. W: Have you tried butter? M: It's delicious. Now will you help me?
Sunday 27 March 2016
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
If my next of kin takes a nap.. Can i call him Napkin?
Thursday 24 March 2016
Wednesday 23 March 2016
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
If love at first sight was really a thing, I would've been married to Cheetara from Thundercats
Tuesday 22 March 2016
I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.
Monday 21 March 2016
[Job Interview] "It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?" "36" "That's not even close" "But it was quick"
I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.
Sunday 20 March 2016
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Thursday 17 March 2016
Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Tuesday 15 March 2016
Who called it "falling in love" and not "assisted suicide"?
[Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Monday 14 March 2016
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
Sunday 13 March 2016
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now? Captain America: Um sure. Spiderman: What should I do? Iron Man: You're in charge of web design.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and leave.
"I found my charger!!" - a love story
Friday 11 March 2016
Thursday 10 March 2016
[first day as a midwife] ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head! NURSE: You're at the wrong end.
Dentist: "When was the last time you flossed?" Me: "BRO, you were there."
Wednesday 9 March 2016
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.
Whoever thought up the spelling of the word "queue" is stueuepid.
Tuesday 8 March 2016
"we should have a drink sometime" *never contacts them again*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha
Monday 7 March 2016
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I've lost so many friends to babies.
Sunday 6 March 2016
When someone in their 20's talks about "old people" they're talking about us.
[creation] GOD: You all have a divine purpose HORSE: I will plow man's field COW: I will give man milk GUINEA PIG: I will test man's shampoo
Friday 4 March 2016
If you get butterflies in your stomach You should probably stop eating insects
I'm skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack... waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Wednesday 2 March 2016
ME: I’ve been shot MEDIC: put pressure on the wound ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Tuesday 1 March 2016
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)