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Thursday 28 April 2016
Wednesday 27 April 2016
[Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo - Cole's Law
Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
"What's your favourite Pixar film?" "Up, yours?" "No need to be like that I was only asking"
Monday 25 April 2016
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Rejecting someone by saying "you deserve someone better" is a fun way to let a person know you'd rather insult yourself than to date them.
Sunday 24 April 2016
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive. Well, boo hoo. My dad was actively aggressive. Just ask my hand.
A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."
Saturday 23 April 2016
Friday 22 April 2016
One way to find out if you're OLD is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
Me: I think we need to break up Her: Now is not a good time Me: Okay *we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I've just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles... My next shit could spell disaster!
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
Thursday 21 April 2016
Don't have to be rich To be my girl Don't have to be cool To rule my world Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your Kiss Prince - Kiss Lyrics RIP sir
Wednesday 20 April 2016
Just threw a donut inside Fitness First and started a riot.
[parole hearing] "What will u do if released?" "Kill everyone on the jury." "What?" "Buy everyone jewellery." "Aw. Granted."
Monday 18 April 2016
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow you used to be hot Wife: death glare Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
Sunday 17 April 2016
"If you love something, set it free..." Unless it's a man... Cause he'll get lost... And you know he won't ask for directions...
WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
Thursday 14 April 2016
Kylo Ren: I can't read your mind! How are you resisting me?! Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
SPELLING BEE "Defiant" Can I have the definition, please? "No"
Wednesday 13 April 2016
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
Tuesday 12 April 2016
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sunday 10 April 2016
How to lose weight: 1. Name your kid Weight 2. Take it to the mall
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman's body.
Friday 8 April 2016
Winning a fight with your wife is like winning a vacation to Pulau Ketam. Don't get too excited
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and update FB at the same time.
Thursday 7 April 2016
Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was "what do they know that I don't?"
Reverse psychology is like regular psychology except the woman is facing the other way.
Tuesday 5 April 2016
Are you excited sir? - Yes! I'm gonna feed whales & pet dolphins! - Sir, this flight is going to Finland - That's like Seaworld, right?
I'm a pretty confident man until I walk out of the shopping centre & try to find where I parked.
Monday 4 April 2016
"Thanks, you've been a wonderful host!" - Viruses
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
1 night I gaze at the night sky 2 discover galaxy too far for visiting 3 the Trinity that created everything 4-getting how insignificant our problem is 5-ting and warring for silly ideologies 6-kening it is to the bone 7-ty six is the average human lifespan 8-lienating our basic human rights 9-tingale found the secret to happier living 1 night I gaze at the night sky...
1 night I gaze at the night sky 2 discover galaxy too far for visiting 3 the Trinity that created everything 4-getting how insignificant our problem is 5-ting and warring for silly ideologies 6-kening it is to the bone 7-ty six is the average human lifespan 8-lienating our basic human rights 9-tingale found the secret to happier living 1 night I gaze at the night sky...
by Eddie Soh
April 05, 2016 at 12:06PM
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by Eddie Soh
April 05, 2016 at 12:06PM
from Facebook
via IFTTTfrom Facebook
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Sunday 3 April 2016
Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Saturday 2 April 2016
alarm (noun) -a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
Ok doc, give it to me straight. "It's cancer" How bad? "Really bad, you have 2 months." OMG "APRIL FOOLS!" Whew- "You have 2 days."
The most unspoiled beach in the world is probably in Sabah. Especially those facing Philipines.
Friday 1 April 2016
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down ME (having panic attack): sorry I've never flown before PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"
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